When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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