lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
