I can tuck mytits in my pants
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize