wanna go halves on a baby?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
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