I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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