everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
