I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
