I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
