Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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