I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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