I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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