Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
