I faked an abortion last night.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
