I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
