...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
