During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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