she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
