and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
