upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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