You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
