I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
