I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
