Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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