Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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