I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
