please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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