I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
