I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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