she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
cat food counts as protein by the way
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
