bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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