he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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