Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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