Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I just saw a hot homeless man
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
