She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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