He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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