Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
