can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
