...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize