My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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