i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize