I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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