dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
