I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
