Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
