Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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