I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
