Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize