Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
