if you like me you must not know who I am
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
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