everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
