Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
