I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
