The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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