i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
