Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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