Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
