Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
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