Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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