you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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