So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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