Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
We need a shit load of segways right now
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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