She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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