She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
