I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
